I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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