your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
