Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
