We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
