my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
