Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
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