Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
