Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Randomize
