plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I am available for nakedness
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
