Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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