Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
