walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
