i permit you to call me
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
