In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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