Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
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