my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
