I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
