I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
