the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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