somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize