your parents love me but you hate me
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
