He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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