He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
