Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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