my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
