I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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