I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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