Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
We named our party play list daddy issues
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
