everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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