He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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