ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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