Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
