i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
