I faked an abortion last night.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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