And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
