You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
