I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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