I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
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