Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
