Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
