the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
