Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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