I faked an abortion last night.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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