"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
