I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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