Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
