Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
