i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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