He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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