So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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