I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
