last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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