I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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