I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
