your parents love me but you hate me
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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