I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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