Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
