Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Randomize
