yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
