So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
